Is it ever OK to kill off your Granny?

By this I mean when you ask for time off work to go to Granny’s funeral. I’ve heard of people who have rather a lot of grannies. It’s obviously easier than ‘killing off’ certain other family members. You are allowed to start with two, and some might well have more, with steps and so on.

But is it that the skiver forgets they killed Granny last time, or do they reckon no one remembers? Maybe they don’t like their Granny very much, so puts less emotion into her death, while forgetting that those around them might feel very strongly about both their own, as well as the dead grannies of others. Or does the faker feel it is so natural, they assume we all do it?

If you ask me, I will quite possibly tell you I feel fine. I might even go so far as to say my Christmas was lovely, thank you. Or my holiday. Those can be lies. It’s hard – and I understand socially unacceptable – to burden your small talk counterpart with the dreadfulness of your life.

So those are lies I will fairly willingly tell. (And you look divine in lime green, btw.) But I assume you might half expect me to smooth over the holiday that was a disaster from beginning to end, and you could hear me coughing, so would be able to tell I’m not entirely well.

But what other lies are acceptable, once we become adults? OK, income. In Britain you don’t tell people how much money you make. And if you mention a sum that sounds either too low or too high, I might guess you were pulling the wool over my eyes, for some reason.

Omission is another way of ‘lying.’ Or waffling about something else, all of a sudden.

Daydreaming is one way of escaping reality for a while. As a child I found it used to send me to sleep, so for years I’ve used it to send me to sleep. But whereas I can then be as pretty, thin, rich, or whatever, as I like, I can’t go round telling you stuff like that.

Andy McNab

I could if I was an author writing a book. I’d be expected to daydream up some plausible and entertaining lies. The closer to the truth they are, the better it will be. Fantasy or fairy tale, they still need lots of realism one way or another.

The power that goes with creating whole worlds could be addictive. But I’m guessing authors know when they’ve switched off their computers and are part of normal life again. Although, some cover their tracks by adopting pseudonyms, and with people like Andy McNab there is a certain camera shyness. Panama Oxridge goes one step further, and we don’t know who (s)he is. I’m looking forward to the Sefton Super Reads 2012, where (s)he has been shortlisted. Will (s)he turn up? Send someone else? Be ill?

I suppose it would almost be OK to make up a slightly more glamourous/ adventurous/or some other -ous persona in order to attract readers. But surely there must be a boundary somewhere?

Personally I would prefer for someone I know to kill off their fourth Granny in order to get a day off work, than for their Granny to have died for real. I’m not sure what that says about me. When I had ‘headaches’ as a child I made sure I stayed in bed and really suffered. What I would have been trying to avoid was always far worse than faking it all day.

Trying to remember. Did I invent siblings? Rich relatives? I suspect the worst. But it was definitely done at an early age.

3 responses to “Fibs

  1. I would think at the very least you need the agreement of the granny in question.

  2. I was assuming she’s already dead.

  3. (Rather a large assumption, but I suppose beside the point unless you are Granny.)

    I suppose the only self respecting response to request for time off for 3rd or 4th granny’s funeral is ‘Yeah, right,’ and no tissues.

    (But not sure I would recommend it.)

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