We saved the Artemis Fowl film until we no longer felt needy. Back in May we really wanted to watch it, having already waited a year or so, and then feeling better for knowing it would be available on television, well, Disney+, with no requirement for getting to a cinema. And we kept putting it off. Son and Dodo jumped in almost on the first day, but were restrained in their judgement of it.
Let me first say it’s not Artemis Fowl, even if the name suggests it. But this happens with many books when they move to the big screen. What matters is that it’s a good, enjoyable film. That’s not what this is.
The next step is to try and decide if you’d understand what was going on if you’d never read the books. We don’t think you would. We’re not sure anyone knows what’s going on.
None of the characters are anything like what Eoin Colfer makes us believe they are. Commander Root is most like himself, despite being a woman played by Judi Dench. The others? No. The cruel, scheming Artemis is a babyish boy, wanting his daddy back. Holly Short is not dreadful, I suppose, but she’s not Holly. And Trouble is a girl.
Mulch Diggums is a sort of Hagrid, a large dwarf hoping to grow smaller. I quite liked his mouth, actually. That worked well, as did his rear end. Having Mrs Fowl dead is a bit of a drawback, should you want her to give birth to Artemis’s brothers later on. And was there really no spare piece of tinfoil to cover Foaly’s head with?
I understand that you can change stuff; that you will need to, but to rewrite the whole thing? I can’t even work out if this was to cover just the first book, or if enough of the next ones was in here that we can move directly to book four. Because there will be a sequel, won’t there?
Afterwards Daughter spent a fair length of time telling us what she thought of the film. I’m, well, I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.